Band of Brothers Mental Health Podcast
Why the podcast exists. According to a survey by the Trevor Project, 60% of young Black transmasculine folks considered suicide; and according to the Williams Institute, 45% of Black transmen also considered suicide.
Band of Brothers Mental Health Podcast
Mental Health & Community
E, a Black transman, and Marcel, a Black intersex young man talk about mental health and community.
The discussion is unfiltered and focused on their personal individual experiences.
Suicide is discussed in the conversation and some of the topics maybe triggering, therefore listen at your own discretion.
If you are in crisis, call Translifeline (877-565-8860), BlackLine (800-604-5841), text Thrive Lifeline (313-662-8209), or call The Trevor Project (866-488-7396).
Enjoying the podcast? Please follow us and share the podcast with other Black transmasculine folks and Black transmen. You can follow the podcast on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
Welcome to the Band of Brothers Mental Health Podcast, where the focus is on the mental health and well-being of Black trans men and Black trans joy. The podcast is a mix of solo episodes focused on improving the mental health and well-being of Black trans mascots and trans men, interviews with Black trans mascots and trans men sharing their mental health journey, tips for improving their mental health and well-being, their mental health struggles, and how they are overcoming them. and also interviews with mental health professionals, therapists, community health workers, and organizations trained in and focused on gender-affirming mental health care. The podcast was started because 60% of young black trans men consider suicide according to a research study by the Trevor Project, and 45% of black trans men consider suicide according to the Williams Institute. When I'm questioned or receive pushback or just focusing on Black trans, mass, trans men, I cite these two statistics. The podcast will also talk about the importance of peer support groups like Banner Brothers to foster mental health and well-being through social support for Black trans, mass, trans men and what that will look like. The podcast encourages getting gender-affirming professional mental health care from a licensed gender-affirming mental health therapist and participate in peer support groups like Band of Brothers. The podcast does not provide mental health care nor diagnosis. The podcast does not condone ostracizing nor isolating those who are diagnosed and or suffer from any form of mental health conditions. The podcast strives to be a safer healing space. The podcast is educational and provides tips and resources to improve mental health and wellness. The topics the podcast covers may be triggering. Therefore, listen at your own discretion. If you are suicidal or suffering from suicidal ideation, call Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860. Black Line 800-604-5841. Thrive Lifeline, which you can text at 313-662-8209. and or The Travel Project, 866-488-7396. Today's podcast is an interview I did last year with E, a Black trans man, and Marcel, a young Black intersex man. They shared their mental health struggles and insights gained from those struggles, how lack of community support has strained their mental health, and how active listening improves mental health and well-being. This is a Band of Brothers production. I'm sitting here with E and Marcel. And we're talking about mental health. And the one thing that shocked me on yesterday when we talked was not feeling part of community. And how that was affecting our mental health. That shocked me because, you know, we always talk about community this and community that and we support one another. But based on what we talked about, neither of you felt supported by community. I'm talking about the trans community, as far as trans men, trans men, and also including intersex. So did y'all want to elaborate on that some more? It's true. You have like, you have cliques. And within them cliques, they pick and choose. And, you know, just from my experiences and just paying attention, a lot of times they pick and choose who they, who clings to them in a certain light or matter. When it should be like that.
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And for those who are not a part of those cliques or aren't chosen by those cliques, they seem to get left out, overlooked. And it does play a factor in the mental health of us as intersex and trans men. Because if we don't find that love and support in the outside world, that should be the one place we do, with no exceptions. No matter if you came from this background, we have this education, it should not matter. That love and support and respect should always be there. And it should be unanimous. Because the same guys that look up to you or need that support are the ones that are supporting them and keeping them in position. So that love should be given back for you. It should be in full circle. You shouldn't have to Send a DM out and it's three, four days later and no one is saying anything to you, but they looked at it and read it and absolutely said nothing. Even if they couldn't answer the question, they could have led you to someone who could. But that's what you get most of the time is just complete silence. So it makes guys like us shy away and go into that bubble. Um, we don't want to talk about our feelings and we'd rather just keep it in, deal with it on our own. And it, it, it causes us not to trust others in the community that are willing to heal because of that one bad experience. Like they always say that first impression is your best impression. That's, that's how that kind of goes with that. All right. Um, I say you want to add anything?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's definitely true how basically just amongst our community, it's like a big life of support between not only trans people, but intersex people as well, just because it's something that's typically seen as like out of the norm or like I was saying yesterday, like it, Or we were both basically saying yesterday how once people get out of the hard parts, it's like people tend to forget where they, the journey that took them up to that point in which they are now. So it's like gaining knowledge in something and then not giving back to the community or helping someone else to understand. And it's just aiding to, you know, Or it could possibly be the cause to why our suicide rate is as high as it is for our community in specificity. All right,
SPEAKER_03:because another thing that I found telling in our conversation yesterday was you saying that the isolation and loneliness due to status, like financial status or a physical status, Whereas you're talking about that those that aren't financially well off, you know, other trans-masc men or community shun, or if they don't have enough of the male characteristics, you know, how... how the community shines those that are in different phases of their transition. Maybe they're not on HRT or they haven't had all their surgeries and how they're isolated or judged based on that. Yeah. I'm in quite a few groups on Facebook. You get that a lot. And a lot of times you don't have this necessarily said body language is every guy. But there are a lot of guys in the community, even our sisters in the community, that deem us not men or trans men because we haven't had a surgery or we're not on HRT. And it's not that a lot of people, it's a lot of people, a lot of us don't want to, want to do it naturally. Some of us are okay with our body and our parts. Those of us that are not, It's not like a hop, skip, and a jump to just jump up and be able to go and have those surgeries. And then you have to also take into account of medical issues. That could play a factor. With a lot of us, we want to have the surgery, but it's also a fear. That's a major surgery. That's something that impacts your life. And you being an adult, you still have to tell and hold down your responsibilities. A lot of us don't have anyone or their support to come and help us, aid us when we're recovering from those surgeries. So that plays a factor in it too. I see biological men out here with breasts that still don't stop them from being a biological male. And I'm not going to treat them any different or tell them you're not a male because Your chest, it sits like a female's chest. That's unfair. I don't feel like my body part should make me who I am. Who I am is from the inside out, not the outside in. And it's just strange to me that you have a lot of daughters out there that don't respect that as if they didn't start out the same way. And that really is what tricks me out about it. Like, How could you go through this same thing and then turn around and tell the next guy that he is less than because he hasn't? But if that's the case, did you feel like that about yourself? You wanted everybody to respect you whether you had the surgery or not. So it's one of them things where I just don't get it. I just learned even though I want to have the surgery and I have it, I've learned to just be comfortable with myself. Because I will stress myself out more about not having it than just realizing that I've had to walk with it for so many years already. You know what I'm saying? If I didn't pay attention, then I'm not going to let somebody else cause me to pay more attention to it and have me disrupt my mind. I'm already battling with dysphoria. I don't need it to be more than what it already is. You know what I'm saying? But it's crazy how they think like that. And it's Sometimes it's the closest people you know to. I'd expect it from certain strangers of guys that I never met. But it's actually in your community real close to you. And that's a real bummer. It plays a lot on your mental health too because now you're trying to find a way to fit in with them. Or everywhere you go, you feel like this is how everybody's going to react and think. You know what I'm saying? And it's just not cool to me. All right. Well, Marcel, you know, being intersex, is that a challenge for you? You ever, you know, what's your experience?
SPEAKER_01:Like you were saying, like in terms of like isolation and shit, it's very, it's a very isolating experience because people typically don't understand or the first thing they do is sexualize a situation. You look very weird. It's very uncomfortable depending on the experience you've had growing up in terms of sex and shit like that. It's a very triggering thing to experience. It's just a lot. And unfortunately, I wish we were just further... Further understanding and the fact that, you know, not everyone's the same. Not everyone's... Not everyone is...
SPEAKER_03:I wouldn't say not everyone's equal, but when it comes down to science, there's many different ways that, you know, people are born and people think and people's brains are wired. So it's just... It just is
SPEAKER_01:disappointing that... People tend to do things like that, bro. And a lot of times that does push people by, I would say, that are going through a similar experience to kill themselves or to feel like, damn, I'm less than because this might look this way and I'm this way. You feel me? It's a very isolated experience, bro.
SPEAKER_03:And another thing from my conversation on yesterday that I found important was that you guys were saying that your mental health and well-being will be so much better if people knew how to listen. You know, my kids, we always talking about tools, you know, breathing and meditating and exercising and stuff. But I was like, you know, just having somebody listening to me, actively listening, actively being concerned about my well-being. what boosts my mental health and wellness tremendously. Do you guys want to elaborate on that?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Having a person, like I said, having a person that sometimes not listen to respond, but just listen, you will realize you can help that person answer their own question. Because sometimes, a lot of times, when we have conversations or we need a friend, It's not that we really want their opinion or we're asking them for it. We just want to get it off. Just vent. Some people call it trauma dumping or, you know, all of that. No, I'm just, I'm getting it out of it. And I'm not trying to dump trauma on you. It's just a mere vent. And sometimes it makes a person feel better. Instead of having a bunch of opinions or someone... trying to invalidate your experience or your feelings. Just to listen and be quiet makes a difference. And somewhere in there, because I've experienced it, having conversations, I am the surround, of course, without them having to say anything. But it felt good to just have someone there just to listen and know that there is just an inkling of support there. So, yeah. I wouldn't add anything myself.
SPEAKER_01:Anyone lovable?
SPEAKER_03:All right. Then I had a specific question for you because research has shown that 60% of Black trans men, trans men, young Black trans men, trans men, I'm going to include intersex as well, have considered suicide. And you being a young, young person, I want you to speak on that a little bit and why that may be.
SPEAKER_01:Just a feeling on me, just being in that, in that category of trans masculine and heteronormative intersex, it's definitely like, I will honestly say
SPEAKER_03:like, it's,
SPEAKER_01:it already
SPEAKER_03:dwindles numbers down. Cause I feel like cisgender men really don't understand. Like
SPEAKER_01:I've had way more genuine
SPEAKER_03:conversations with, um, with people who are of transmasculine background and or, well, I'm just now meeting people who are intersex
SPEAKER_01:or who identify as that. I've never really come across that. So for the most part, it's been transmasculine, man. It's kind of just like, or transgender in
SPEAKER_03:the first place. For the most part, it's just like, It's hard like that because there is a big gap and misunderstanding just from something that you're not going through. You're able to like empathize, I mean, sympathize, but not really empathize because that feeling of actually going through certain things and situations is just not the same, Mike. dealing with women, you feel me? It's just an entirely different feeling and or experience. And I think that that already just limits how you're able to talk and connect with people, you know? So I definitely think that aids into why I highlight that as well as, you know, the childhood
SPEAKER_01:traumas and things that you've been through and how much you've been going through therapy and trying
SPEAKER_03:to, like, really get down to the root of what's bothering you why you're not healing and shit like that. I'm triggered not a lot, but there's thoughts. There's thoughts that I'm creeping to somebody's mind, bro. Sometimes really dealing with that shit every day for me. So it's like dealing with that and then growing up and trying to develop new coping mechanisms for shit and... Understanding that mental health is real, like PTSD and shit like that is real, you know? Being able to identify what your triggers and stuff are and then learning how to navigate through that in a healthy space so that you're not depressed and wanting to act on those thoughts. Because I think we've all been there. We've all had those thoughts maybe once, twice, or... You know, we've had those thoughts more than once, you know? So just being able to push through that shit every day, every day, every day, every day, every day. Like, I don't think people that live in a quote-unquote, like, regular world understand that shit because they're not really going through it. All right, another thing that I found telling was that, you know, you was talking about, you know, the conferences and stuff. that's centered around trans men, trans men, and include intersex as well. Access. You know, you said, you know, that the resources that you would need, the tools that you would need to better yourself, you know, mentally, financially, and life are not accessible because of the finances and how you wish that those things you would like to go through to these conferences because you know they could help you but it's the lack it's so expensive to travel and things like that that further isolates you separates you from community did you guys want to speak on that I feel like with all of these organizations that we do have and the funding received some of it could be put to the side for things of that nature Not saying that every guy or girl would want to go or every guy would want to go. But those that want to, maybe some may be working, but they just don't make that kind of money. Maybe they could go half and half. And for those that are working and they've been paycheck to paycheck or aren't working for whatever reasons, you know, that could be money set to the side. to pay for a bus ticket or pay for that plane ticket, you know, in that hotel room or whatever the case may be. So that these guys could go out here and experience what it is they want to experience and get the knowledge that they want to get instead of just being subject to those that are in their sea. Because we are everywhere. We're not just in Georgia. We're in Texas, we're in New York, we're all over. So that would give us a chance to connect with people outside of our inner network that could possibly help us as well, even if those resources aren't given at our own front door. And it is nice to meet other guys like you, you know, the experience, like I said, the knowledge that you get, It may change the attitude of some guys and they find out that there is some other work that they want to do. So now they are challenging themselves to be better and try something that was different and step outside of their comfort zone. But we won't never know that if those advocates and leaders don't use their brain and come up with things like that or pay attention. Instead of letting it fly over your head and just be a post on Instagram or social media, they need to sit down and have those conversations with each other and develop a Q&A panel so guys can answer those questions. Because it's more than just starting the hormones and I need housing or I want food or something like that. A lot of guys out here want to do more within the community because they see the lack of it. But you know, that's a conversation for another conversation. All right. You want to add anything to that, Marcel?
SPEAKER_02:No, I don't think, I don't think he touched on that. Okay. I
SPEAKER_01:don't, I don't really be going to conference. I'm more private. I don't really be, I would like to see things like that. And, you know, open up in the future, like how, how pride is and shit like that. You know, do shit like that. But, You know, I think that, you know, taught himself.
SPEAKER_03:I think he touched on enough in terms of support. Okay. So on that note, what would y'all like to see as far as support and particularly mental health support? What would you like to see the community do? You know, any suggestions? Anything that you would like to see? Any programs that you would like to see? You know, would you like workshops? Would you just like, you know, support groups or all of you interested support groups, workshops? More support groups and workshops, especially for trans guys. And I feel like we should have some more housing. Housing. Yeah, we should have more housing just because we're guys over working. It does not mean that everything is always going to work out. We are still human and we should not be out here. Couch hopping, we just need a push, just a push. And, of course, couch hopping is easy, but it sounds easy, but it's not. Staying outside in the cold and rain or whatever is not cool. A lot of us don't want that for ourselves. We want to do that. But it's kind of difficult to do that when you're in survival mode and all that's running through your mind is, a hot shower, some food, and a place to lay comfortable. If we could get that, that would be excellent. And the length of time, too. Sometimes some guys are starting, when I say completely from scratch, I mean completely from scratch, and that has nothing to do with material things. That's with just things to function, to get a job. You know, and everybody is not from the same state. A lot of people migrate to this state or another state. So if they lose their credentials, they have to drop through hooks to get them back from that state. They can't pick up and just go back home and go and get it and come back. You know, so having services like that to be able to help the individual. And like I said, more let them forwards for stability. To give these guys a peace of mind, you know, because it's not easy trying to maintain a hungry stomach and concentrate on filling out a job application. You know what I'm saying? And you get the job, but then you got to figure out how you're going to get there. And then when you reach out for help, you don't get that help. You got to sit and wait. three, four, five, six weeks, a month, or you might not hear nothing back, you know? So you basically wasting away out of here, trying to fight to better yourself. And I feel like there should be services like that at our disposal at all times. Yeah. I want to add to that myself.
SPEAKER_01:Pretty much like my brother said, definitely more housing and, um, workshops for people who were just looking for more information. Typically when things start to make sense, you're looking for answers. You're looking for, damn,
SPEAKER_03:where do I go to not fit in, but where do I go for life to be a little bit less challenging? Where's people like me? Where's people that understand? Where's people that I don't have to explain because Typically, what I'm about to say, they all even experienced it. Or where can I go
SPEAKER_01:to be someone else's older brother? You get what I'm trying to say? So it's just like,
SPEAKER_03:if we had more access to that and it's not like a, damn, I had to reach out to about 10 clinics and I'm still waiting. You feel me? That kills the whole motivation because it's like, damn. I see people are putting on line like they care, but do they really care? Because I'm reaching out and I'm not getting no response. So you're not ready till three years down the line. Like, damn, I got to keep suffering for three more years with this shit. Like, that shit was very unmotivating for me. And like how we were saying in the last question, that pushing with the thoughts of suicide and shit. Because it's just like, damn, I just want this shit to be over, bro. Like, for real, I didn't mean to act with a car right here. I didn't ask for none of this. So it's just like if access was a lot more open and accessible and affordable, it would
SPEAKER_01:definitely make a big ass change in terms of what we're experiencing and what we're going through at this point in time.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, because here talking with you guys, that was the most shocking part. You know, to me was like the lack of access. to the services that you need, the lack of access, to the resources that you need. We talk about community all the time. I hear other folks talking about community, but actually sitting down and actually talking, You are part of that community. You talk about the isolation just due to the barriers of access, which shouldn't be for our community. I could see for an outer world. You know what I'm saying? Outside of, we expect there to be barriers of access. But it was shocking to me that even in our own community, it's a problem with access. Even in our own community, we're still isolated. you know, you know, we still judge, you know, we're not accepted. And that, and that, and that really bothers me.
SPEAKER_01:I feel like that's just where we are as brown people. Like other races don't do that. They don't, they don't really judge people for being different. They might judge people outside of race. Like they don't want you to, you know, they're outside the race, but we're the only race that judges people for being
SPEAKER_03:different. That shit is so like, Crazy, bro. Like, yo, isolate Sayadi. Yeah, it's more than just being different, but people go out there, wait to make sure they isolate something they don't understand. And it's crazy. Instead of like autistic kids, they don't pick up everything like this the way a normal brain would, but they excel in things that the normal brain just don't. And, but we so quick to tease them because not we, but I gonna, but even, even when you're just, when you have a lack of knowledge, when I was a kid, that was something that, you know, it was different. So it was made fun of. And then you, you, you, you don't even realize the effect that you're having on that, that person or that being like you make no isolate. I just like, damn, why everybody making fun of me? Cause, This is just who I am. They can't even help it. Like, so it's just like, we the only race that does that. Like, damn, you see, you might see a homer in the same shit. And instead of, damn, bro, I've been working all week. I'm about to just go bust you now and you're surprised and there's a cause or something. It ain't got enough. You know, put them down and just be like, The first thing you do is want to make, like, apply shame to force somebody's hand like, damn, I got to go do something else and make their bread because they talking about me rather than just seeing the problem and fixing it if you can. Like, black people just run to shame people most of the time just because that's what we're taught is going to make somebody do something. Let me put the flame on their ass or Let me embarrass them rather than encourage. Bro, I see you working hard there. Like, you need some help. It's never that, but the Mexicans will do it. Chinese people will do it. The white people do it. Like, we the only ones that just can't get out of that program. And it's mind-boggling because we still are the superiors. You feel me? We still could run the world if we just come together and we just don't. We just don't. It's sad. Being enslaved to enslaving ourselves even more. Enslaving our own people still. Yep. Even more. Mentally, like, mentally, mentally is just like, It's insane how your own people do you. I've been done so bad by my own people. And it's crazy because even though white people are enslaved, some of the quickest people to help me is a white man. And he was sad, telling me he understand. I have that more respect being trans man from white people than I have my own. I can count on one hand how many of my own have given their mistake. I can use my toes and my hands and count how many white people still need more. Out of respect, and I mean on the job, west walking down the street, and even if they didn't know or they did pick up on it, it was how they asked. It was how they presented the question. If they weren't knowledgeable about something, They pulled me to the side in private. It wasn't displayed loud for everybody to hear. Whispering in the corner and coining, despairing. Like, we do some of the most rooting and tearing shit I've ever seen. We act like a bunch of grown kids. I know toddlers that are more mature than a lot of us adults. And it's sad, like, bro was saying, like, you know, we can't get help from our own. You'll see everybody show up when you shined. The minute you lose that shine and something happens to you, you're just another bum on the street. Nobody ever took the time to ask, well, what went on? What happened? Oh, he got seemingly, he's just a bum now. I don't know. And you peek at that, you peek at that. But six months ago, you was just at an event with this person praising him because he said, One slip will cause a whole dynamic to change and people will look at you, your own people will look at you different. But as long as you hold a status, you good. You good. People might talk, but they ain't gonna talk too much because they're gonna let over. They got none of your, they got this. Fall down and watch how their whole dynamic change. Yeah, they in, in, in. You find out that the resources that are so out here aren't really out here. Yeah. They are not here at all. I just had somebody tell me this morning,
SPEAKER_01:like,
SPEAKER_03:bro, I miss you, bro. Like, you're one of the realest niggas I know, bro. He just now finally knocked everybody else around and he's putting up this show, his image or something, and they really not, bro. And I said, bro, I know. I know you miss me, bro. But before when I was in your presence, bro, it wasn't nothing but
SPEAKER_00:sneaking in the corner.
SPEAKER_03:Just like bro said, sneaking in the corner, whispering, making me feel all fucking types of ways.
SPEAKER_02:And
SPEAKER_03:I didn't even know what was going on, bro. And this is my own black brother, bro. Just don't. appreciate it till it's gone bro and it was so sad because i feel like we we such a rare type of not scientifically we'll say species bro by the time the world catch up to damn i really getting that motherfucker we gonna be already gone like damn they were really before they time bro what the hell like it gonna be such just a a a a a Recognize and say, damn, I don't know what the fuck with them people's expression, but they don't even get why they act like that now. When we, oh, that's what you got going on? Like, you could just read the enamel on the face because it's so like, what the fuck are you? Well, I'm just a human being, bro. That shit's different, bro. That shit is crazy, bro. Sorry to cut you off, bro. I only just had to just... And I get that all the time. Like, damn, bro. Like, this probably like the third time, you know what I'm talking about? Like, damn, bro. Like, it's crazy how you just stepped off like that. You didn't even say nothing. You were just here. Then he was gone. Only thing that man had to do was call him. Thank you. So appreciate the people while they're here. Give people their flowers before they leave. Right. I try my best to give people their flowers before they leave this earth. Whether I'm still cool with you to do something and it may look at you different. I still ask that to keep those people, keep them elevated. But you notice when you start to do that, you pay attention a lot to your flowers not being given back to you. And that is so much as I call to check them. I shoot a quick text. Send me a postcard and the mail, you know what I'm saying? Stop by, still stay in the same spot. I could move around for a whole year. And I got the numbers in my phone. I could move around. I've moved around for a whole two, three years now. And I promise you, I could tell you these specific people in my phone, I've only heard from them once in these three years. You don't know if I'm dead or alive. You assume me because I'm posting on Facebook that I am all right. What if that's not me? What if that's not me? What if somebody got a hold of my phone and they just using it and just pretending? You'll never know what, even if I am just posting on Facebook, that's Facebook and social media is a lot. That's false reality. Check on me in real time, in real life. I shoot texts out. Don't get a text back to six months later. So you know what I started doing? I start giving what I got. I'm not going to overextend myself for anybody. And I've gotten to this point now where I just ask God to allow those that I need to enter my life without me handpicking them. Because obviously I'm doing something wrong. And so I'm just at this point where I'm just going to step back. I'm going to carry on my life every day. Do everything that I have to do diligently as I should. and let God bring the right people in my life. And I'm not looking for a friend that's dressed to the nine and they got this type of car and they live like this. I want people that look like me around me because we can uplift each other because we know exactly what we need and we all searching for that same thing. But we just searching for it in the wrong places because those bright lights on those other people, they really darken them and it's just not cool. You know what I'm saying? So Just seeing that and realizing it, it broke my heart when I had to come to terms and really face that fact that I got people around me that say I've been knowing for 20, 30 years. And right now, if I called and I was in tears, I couldn't get you to answer the phone. But every day when I do get a chance to be around you, every time your phone rings, you answer. You on the phone talking to somebody to chime in. I'll call you back. You ask. But you can never answer for me. So I'm trying to figure out what is it? Is it the light? When you need my energy, you come around. When you soak it all up and you get what you need, then you disappear. You leave for six months to two, three years. You know what I'm saying? Then when your light is dim, you know you can't pull that from nobody else. So now, ooh, I'm going to find out what it is. I ain't talking. Right. I don't had three birthdays and I've been in the hospital. I broke my leg. I did all types of stuff. And I've been reaching out to you. And the funny thing is technology usually tells you when a person know you text because it says read or it says singing. So you looked at this and didn't say anything. Absolutely. And I'm not one of those people that I call you every, every day. But I shoot texts and little stuff or voice messages just checking on you. But if I hit you up and I say I need to talk, something is really going on. And to be rejected by some people that are very, very close because I stopped looking at my peers as friends. The longer we are around each other, you become founded. That's something that hurts. You know, when you reach out and it's just like, I just need to somehow talk to you. Like I'm a breaking point and you don't get a response back. So now when I get young takes to do nothing now, I just talk to God. I'm good. Cause I'm gonna struggle with it and I'm gonna struggle along. I'm gonna keep talking to God and keep praying to God because I can't put there by trusting you no more. Cause every time you go letting down, you know, you gonna always letting down.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, definitely. I agree with that 100%. And then people don't even understand that. Like, I had a self-smart job. Like,
SPEAKER_03:he's like, I'm just saying, bro, like, I'm trying to be your backbone. I'm like, nah, bro, like, I really don't even need that. And then he didn't understand. So I'm like, bro, do you understand what I'm saying? Like, when you realize, like, At the end of the day, bro, if you got a relationship with God, there's nobody that should be able to sway how you feel about life, bro. If you ain't really, really being depressed, that's not depression, but that definitely weigh on the motherfucking mind. You motherfucking crying. Bro, I've been called by seven people and ain't nobody pick up the phone. And then I know I'm going through it. So everybody else call it as somebody that I feel like is important. I can trust with my job. Nobody answer. They don't call bad. They don't teach. But I see you calling me like you good. You all right. It don't be none of that, bro. That's when you really. Oh, God, what am I doing wrong, bro? Can you give me you start asking for the right thing? Can you give me strength? Can you? You might open up the Bible. You might do some shit you ain't never even done before. And then I click. Like, that's what it is, that relationship. I got to work on that. You don't even care about having friends. Fuck when they call back. They start calling back. Bro, God done got me through it already, bro. Forgive. Yes.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Back smiling at somebody. How do you
SPEAKER_00:use it? They got already been done it. Like, feeling like, oh, you ready? Ready? Let me get that car.
SPEAKER_03:But I got to that point where I keep that same attitude. I look at my phone, and I let it ring. I sing you the voicemail. I look to read your text messages. I read your DMs, and I don't say anything. I decide when I'm going to have to see you back. And it's not, well, you could commentate, but I don't care personally. But sometimes you have to teach a person how they're treating you. You know what I'm saying? Because if I tell you you're treating me like this, you're going to say it's the opposite. So I'm going to show you just what you do. And if you get mad about it or say, well, you didn't have to do that. Of course I didn't, but I did. I've learned to keep that same aptitude and just move forward. And I stopped expecting anything. That's why I was hurting. I realized at the end I was hurting myself because I was expecting. I don't care how close I am to a person, how much of blood we share, whatever it is, I cannot expect you to ever be like me and have the heart that I have and think the way I think. I can only continue to let you not change. How I move. I just have to learn how to make it away from those high peaks. And I mean, life and peace. I'm not lonely. I feel alone sometimes, but I'm not lonely. But when I say I'd rather have my peace and be alone. Yeah, I mean. Then I have to worry about all of that other stuff or having to impress somebody to be around them.
SPEAKER_02:No. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Are you guys got anything you want to say in courage of words or anything like that? We good? All right. All right. This has been the Band of Brothers session. Just sitting in and we're just chopping it up. I want to thank E and Marcel for their strength and being open, for being courageous and valiant and mighty and sharing their thoughts and And our hearts with us.